A scenario played out for me recently that I would like to share. I was preparing to send out a note for Valentine’s Day about self-love and encouraging us all to be our own valentines. I had all the individual components ready but as I attempted to bring them all together, I experienced technical glitches and unexpected setbacks that ultimately led me to let go of the timeline for releasing it. In the interest of honesty, I feel it important to add that I did not let go of it gracefully. And as I observed myself becoming increasingly frustrated and less than supportive of myself, I was struck by the realization that I was being given the opportunity to dive a little deeper into my own relationship with the concept I intended to share. What landed for me is that self-love (which is very closely related to self-care, self-acceptance, self-respect & self-compassion) is an ongoing practice and that it requires regularly scheduled routine maintenance.
You see, my technology had not performed as I expected in part because I had failed to set aside the time to update, back-up and clear out the clutter. I increasingly rely on these instruments in the completion of various aspects of my work – some things simply cannot be accomplished without them – but I had come to expect the resource to be available to me without the required amount of reinvestment in its upkeep. And for the most part it was – until one day it was not. I see this as an apt analogy for the way we sometimes approach our own needs for self-care – we show-up in our lives giving generously of our resources without planning adequate time for restoration. We give and we bargain and we give a bit more until one day we just cannot. And when we reach our breaking point, we blame ourselves for not being strong, smart, capable, knowledgable, ((insert your favorite adjective)) enough to handle our own lives.
Breaking the cycle.
The first step in adopting a new way of looking at caring for yourself is to recognize the pattern above and to acknowledge the extent to which it might exist for you. There are times in life when circumstances call for a greater outpouring of our personal resources – caregiving of any sort comes to mind – and I am not advocating for limiting the important work set out before us in these roles. What I am asking you to consider is building time into your day for refilling your well. This can take many forms and be as involved or simple as the pace of your life allows.
Life as a self-care ritual.
One of the simplest ways to begin to incorporate self-care practices into your daily life is to identify what you are already doing that brings you joy and shifting your intention for it to the pleasure it brings you.
Walk with no purpose. If taking the dogs for a walk is part of your routine, allow yourself to enjoy the scent and sounds of the day, turn your face to the sun for a moment or simply enjoy the connection you have with your companion animals and your surroundings. Shift your perspective of the walk from a task that must be accomplished to an opportunity to relax and savor life all around you.
Love your morning cup of tea? Try sitting near a window in a quiet room and observing nature while you drink it. Not enough time for that? Each time you take a sip, close your eyes and appreciate the warmth, the flavor, the experience of it – weave a sense of gratitude and well-being into each sip even if they happen between making lunches and finding shoes.
Let the water wash it all away. Reserve a few moments at the end of your shower to simply allow the water to wash over you. Imagine that the water is carrying away any tension, worries or burdens you might be carrying or imagine that the water is soaking into your being, filling you with vitality and renewing your spirit.
Savor the silence. In need of a quick refresh on the way to work or meeting a family member, friend or client? Turn off the radio and tune into your breath. Allow the silence to soothe your senses and the steadiness of your breath to provide your mind with an anchor. You can also set aside a few moments at the beginning or end of your trip to close your eyes and take a few slow, deep breaths before moving forward with your day.
An inside job.
It can be tempting to think of the journey toward self-love as one with a set destination – a checklist that, when completed, leaves us feeling strong, whole and somehow complete. In truth, when we dive deep into the work of self-love, we come face-to-face with the ways, great & small, in which we limit ourselves and dull our light. The work of providing ourselves the support that we need to thrive in our lives is the greatest gift of self-love we can ever give. And that gift multiplies for us and the people we touch when we are able to give freely knowing that we have taken the time to meet our needs and to refill our cup.