Aparigraha- often translated as non-attachment or non-possessiveness – is the last of the five Yamas (ethical guidelines) that make up the first of the eight limbs explored in Patanjali’s eightfold path.
At its essence, Aparigraha invites us to notice what we are clinging to – physically, emotionally, mentally, and energetically – and to develop a willingness to let go and to allow for the inevitable influence of change in ourselves, our lives and the world around us.
I was Attached to Being a “Good” Mother
When I first encountered non-attachment as a spiritual concept, it confused me. As a mother of two small children, I could not fathom being willing to “let go” of my connection to them much less that it could be a healthy, well-balanced perspective for me to hold. I now see that I was interpreting the idea of non-attachment through a lens muddied by my ideas of what it meant to be a “good”, “loving”, “caring” mother – my maternal mask was so firmly affixed that I was only able to see a very limited portion of the full spectrum of possibilities of what being a mother means.
I was attached to a story I was telling myself about what it means to be a “good” mother. This story was, of course, not completely my own – it was a Frankenstein mask of cobbled together bits and pieces I had picked up along the way from my lineage, my family, my community, society and the world at large. It had simply never occurred to me to question its validity and to give myself permission to release what was not real and true for me.
Honestly, I was so attached to my ideas of mothering that it was one of the last practical places where I was able to be in a more honest relationship with Aparigraha. I had to explore non-attachment in many other areas of my life – and in my asana practice – before I was eventually able (maybe willing) to see that the first clinging that I had to release was to the ideas I held of “good”, “loving”, “caring” mother and the baggage that accompanied them.
Examining our Stories
Where we feel stuck in the stories of the past and the worries of the future are generally great places to start looking at our attachments.
For instance, notice what happens when someone makes an observation about what our kids are eating – do we take it in stride or do we feel as though we’ve been corrected or have come up short in some way?
When we receive a critique of our work, do we consider its merit or does the negative self-talk begin?
When we haven’t heard from friends in awhile, do we assume they are busy or that there is something amiss in the relationship?
If you place yourself in these examples, what do you discover? Whatever you experience is okay and it is not an indication of a failing on your part; it is an indication of an old story coming to the surface to be challenged and potentially rewritten.
Wherever there is a narrative on loop that sends us into a spiral of shame or a fit of blame, there is a sign of an attachment to a meaning that may no longer be valid, true or necessary – and it is certainly not nourishing and supportive. Our self-love power move in those moments is to step back and challenge not only the validity of the story but its origin – there’s a good chance that we are allowing a story to express through us (h/t Kelly Diels) that is not ours. And to give ourselves permission to author a whole new story or assign a whole new meaning to what we are observing.
A loving and honest (did you see how Ahimsa and Satya presented themselves there?) observation of the lens through which we are viewing the world can be an invaluable support in our exploration of Aparigraha.
The Antidote is Surrender and Presence
Aparigraha is a constant companion on the journey of life – every time we are faced with a change in direction, we are being invited to notice where the resistance rises in us and to be in honest relationship with that part of us that desperately wishes for things to stay the same.
That we cling is not necessarily problematic; that we are in denial of our attachments can cause us a great deal of unnecessary suffering and harm. Facing our tendency to be attached in an honest, loving and compassionate way is the central invitation of Aparigraha.
The antidote to clinging, grasping attachment is surrender and presence.
Connecting to our body and our breath transports us into the present moment – allowing us to be in relationship with the now moment as it is (instead of peering at it through the veil of the past or future). From this place of inner awareness, we can begin to notice how it feels in our body when we encounter an attachment.
What are the signals we are sending to ourselves?
How is our inner landscape communicating the presence of an attachment?
Is there a tightening sensation in the chest? A churn in the belly? A shortening of the breath? A narrowing of our gaze? Or perhaps we experience something else entirely.
Learning the language of our inner landscape can be another invaluable tool in becoming aware of (and, perhaps, dismantling) our attachments.
An Invitation to Explore
My invitation to you today is to ask yourself what habitual narratives are running in the background of your awareness and inserting themselves into your present moment(s). When you notice an echo of the past reverberating through the experience of the current moment, give yourself permission to step back and acknowledge that something else is playing out – that there just might be an attachment (or two ?) revealing itself.
Check in with your breath.
Check in with your body.
Check in with your inner guidance system and see if you are ready to surrender this attachment.
No matter the answer in that moment, commit to loving yourself, extending yourself grace and compassion, and continuing to ask yourself the challenging questions.
This is how the path unfolds. And this is how we allow ourselves to unfold with it.