I come from a long line of strong, imperfect, resilient, creative, caring, magnificent women who struggle against the dampening, limiting and darkening affects of depression and anxiety. These conditions are so common among the women of my maternal lineage that they have been jokingly referred to as the “curse” for as long as I can remember. I have watched the light wax and wane in the eyes of the women closest to me for decades; I’ve seen them standing firmly in the radiance of their true power, moving through the world in grace, fluidity and ease, and I’ve seen them paralyzed by the onslaught of their own self-doubt, rumination and extreme lack of will, unable to muster the energy to tackle even the most mundane of tasks. And I have watched it all knowing that I am of them, with them and, in so many ways, like them.
It is this knowing and the related desire to recognize in myself the gradual slide that precipitates the real struggle that brings me to my meditation practice everyday. For me, the time I invest on the path of self-inquiry and exploration offered by meditative practices provides the antidote to the neurochemistry of my DNA – keeping me largely grounded and centered and giving me the space to identify the signs in my mental chatter, my behavior and my body that signal the need to reach deep into my self-care toolkit or to seek help.
My daily practice is rooted in the expression of gratitude. I begin each day with “thank you for this day” and allow the thread of appreciation to flow naturally from there. Some mornings, gratitude is readily available, joyfully abundant and seamlessly integrated into my being. Other mornings, “thank you” becomes a mantra that I anchor the tightness in my head, heart and belly to as I follow my breath to the place of quiet stillness I know to reside at my center. When what I witness within myself is a struggle to be in gratitude, I know that this is a day to steep myself in meditative, soul-nourishing practices wherever, whenever and however I am able – walks in nature, asana practice, guided meditation, journaling – even five minutes sandwiched between other responsibilities helps me to find my center so that I may more easily weather the storm until I can return more fully to myself. I feel blessed to know that love, light and compassion are my true nature (a truth I did not always recognize) and that any voices that surface offering evidence to the contrary are an illusion and are the workings of the saboteurs in my brain chemistry but when circumstances align in just the “right” way, those voices can be convincing and their reach deep.
I am most certainly a work in progress. I sometimes believe the chorus of self-doubt and allow it to convince me that I am somehow separate, need to be in fear and should shrink from the light of courageous trust and complete surrender. It is the deep knowledge of my true essence forged through a steady, dedicated practice of mindfulness, meditation and yoga that gives me the strength to choose to love, to forgive and to believe in myself once again. Our inner critics are the most convincing and, honestly, can be the most damaging. Balancing the nature of my inherited brain chemistry and building stronger pathways to well-being within myself form the foundation of why I practice.
I would love to support you on your journey! Connect with me today to learn more about working with me virtually or in-person.